That eye roll….
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
notice
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Who called it baking and not making love
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat