I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
When I pack too much for a short trip.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!