I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
never forget
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
This is me
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.