I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah