Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.