I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
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Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Not all heroes wear capes…
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.