Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Get in loser we’re going crying
concern
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Any refunds available?…
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit