And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Camping tip: No.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
kitchen magnet
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
why I oughta
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.