Oh the world we live in…
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?