My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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Xylophonist Shredding It
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?