Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Autocorrect is my menesis
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.