New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?