When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
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It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects