wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
All set.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.