Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
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Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!