50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
this is the best day of my life
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?