That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
thanks auntie mary
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.