My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
You Might Also Like
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently