[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
no one likes gloating
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.