“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
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If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone