“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
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Expectations vs. Reality
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too