you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest