What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.