Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.