this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
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Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.