If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary