Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.