I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
buying dead houseplants to save time
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Only short people can save us
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
A short story of betrayal:
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.