friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Velcrow
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle