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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.