Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
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A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
sleeping beauty
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
lmao
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.