a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
That 👊
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Sunday
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
my astrological sign is a french fry
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My birth announcement for our third baby
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Breaking news:
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.