So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.