LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
You Might Also Like
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
mom had nothing to worry about
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.