When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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Thursday
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect