I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
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“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist