[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen