<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
nature’s most graceful animal
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.