Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
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There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.