“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
can I use a minion as a tampon