DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”