Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey