“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
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you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.