I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!