Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Investing in beetcoin
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.