CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I’m just playing devils avocado here