Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.