Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
You Might Also Like
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
When libraries troll their patrons.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.