Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Who says great literature is dead?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.