[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
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Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
not for long
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers